Monster vs. Monster stories (3-28-21)
The Von Wrinkle’s Von Monsters
By: Ryanne Leavitt
It had been a long time since Karl had thought about his job. He just went about his daily, or should I say nightly routine. Karl had been the official monster for the Von Wrinkle household since his father, Karl Ludwig Von Monster the 13th had retired. He had taken the place of his father who had taken the place of his father and his father all the way back to Karl Ludwig Von Monster the 1st.
There had never been any option or opposition for Karl, it just was! The nightly monotony of entering his work closet to scare the latest Von Wrinkle generation wasn’t much work. Karl didn’t have to put in much effort at all, so there wasn’t much to love about his job. The legend of the Von Monsters in this house meant just a small creek of the door, or a large toe or hand claw exposed for the briefest moment was all that usually was needed! Sure if there was a scheduled sleep over he had to put forth a bit more effort, a low raspy growl and maybe some wall scratching would be called for, but mostly Karl’s time was spend on books about space travel, aliens and far distant planets.
Just as Karl was getting settled in for his nightly scare, the door burst open and in rushed a gaggle of giggling girls! Wait, what! An unscheduled sleep over? Great Karl thought with an inward moan, looks like I wouldn’t have much time to spend on my reading this evening! Fine, he thought as he cracked his knuckles, lets get this over with.
As the girls started to get settled in, sleeping bags strewn on all the furnishings (no one dared sleep on the floor of the Von Wrinkle house...too many monsters), they all headed to the bathroom to brush their puny human teeth. Just as the room emptied Karl caught a glimpse of movement slide out of one of the largest suitcases he had ever seen. At first he thought it was a trick of the light, but then he again saw the movement of something slide under the four poster bed.
Unsure what he had witnessed, Karl risked leaving his closet to investigate. He slowly and cautiously crept to the bed and peered under. He came face to face with the most beautiful monster face he had ever beheld! She had large golden eyes flecked with purple, long finely furred arms tipped with long elbony claws on the end of each of her seven fingers. Karl was too smitten to speak and before he knew it, one of those clawed hands shot out and yanked him to the ground. With a wickedly mischievous glint in her eyes, she sneered, “are you aware there are a gaggle of girls just waiting to be terrified by me! Why are you here! Get out before you ruin the chance of a perfect scare!!”
Shocked and taken aback by the beauty and boldness of this interloper, Karl simply stammered, “uuuuh, ummmm, YES! But of course I am aware! This is my scare-i-tory and has been in my family’s control for 14 generations!”
His hackles had actually been raised, who does she think she is coming in here and trying to scare a Von Wrinkle in the Von Monster home!
She broke into his thoughts with a low hiss, “oh! So you are the monster of this house! I had heard this house was fair game. Word is the Von Wrinkles don’t even really believe in monsters any more.
Looks like you haven’t been doing your job all that well.” As Karl turned to slump back to his closet, She batted her long lashes and then added, “Let Lucia Monstreestra show you a thing or two about real scaring!”
That night a battle of scares ensued. Those party goers got the scares of their life. Back and forth Karl and Lucia took turns one upping the scare. Karl was not to be out done! He pulled out scare moves he hadn’t used in years! In turns the kids jumped, screamed, ran for the grown ups, plugged in nightlights, cried and giggled with fright!
Lucia proved to not only be beautiful, but also a master of the scare. And somewhere along the way, Karl had found the passion for his work he had los along the way. The battle invigorated Karl as he watched his beautiful rival try to out scare him!
when morning was threatening to come and the humans finally fell into that deep sleep that can only come from a good monster scare, Karl once again emerged from his closet and approached that vixen under the bed.
Lucia was lounged under the bed, reading a book on space exploration, she she heard Karl snort in astonishment, she lazily looked up to see him gaping at her. Their eyes met and that was it, they both knew a more perfect monster match for them would never come!
From that moment in time Karl actually cared! He cared about the scare, he cared about his bride, Lucia Monstreestra Von Monster and he cared about the legacy his fathers had left for them!
Each night, the scare was there and each day they talked and laughed and learned about aliens, space travel and all that. Day in and night out the routine was still there, but it had meaning and was never a bore. Years came and went and their love of the scare and each other grew and grew., and when Karl Ludwig Von Monster the 15th and his twin sister Lucianna took over scaring the next generation of Von Wrinkles Lucia finally told Karl a truth she had kept to her self all those years.
She finally told him why she had come to the. Von Wrinkle home in the first place. Karl’s momster had reached out to Lucia’s mom. She could see he was losing his edge and needed inspiration to keep him scaring. Lucia had come to ignite that passion for the scare. His momster never thought it would end in a love story, she was just trying to protect the Von Monster legacy.
Monster vs Monster Story
3-26-21
Carrie Keiser
“Once upon a time…”
“Wait, wait, WAIT! That ‘once upon a time’ and ‘happily ever after’ is not what this story is about.”
“How else are you supposed to start a story?”
“Why not: ‘It was a cold and dark night’?
“It wasn’t even night, we can’t start the story like that!”
“Fine, you tell the story!”
“I will if the two of you would just be quiet for half a second!”
“She’s always SO bossy!”
“I know, you’d think this story was about HER!”
“Hush! I thought we agreed I was the storyteller. Go sit down.”
I guess I better start with introductions, My name is Gina and I’m 4 days from 18. I have Long dark hair streaked with purple. I love to read and draw. My family moved to this house when I was 8. The age of questioning and wanting to be more grown up but still a kid having fun and hanging out with her imaginary friends. We had to move from our old house because my parents had gotten new jobs at the local university. You see, my mom is a chemistry instructor and my dad is an archeologist.
When we looked at this house and I picked my room, I knew something was different about it. We walked through the house, a very old creaky house, with a lot of history I’m sure. It has two stories and a gabled roof. The enormous fenced-in backyard is ideal for all kinds of adventures. I picked the best room in the whole house! It’s on the second floor and has a large bay window with a comfy window-seat, just perfect for curling up in with your favorite book. The closet is huge, room enough for all my clothes and has a great little secret area to play in the back. The only problem with the room was, it was already occupied.
My parents believe in science, but my nanny, Henny, (Henrietta) was of a different mind. Every day she read me the classic fairytales and warned me to stay in bed or the monsters under the bed and in the closet would get me. My parents would tuck me in and tell me to pay her no mind. I was eight and I’d heard the whispers when I picked my room. I knew science didn’t have ALL the answers!
The first night, I just closed my eyes when the whispers were joined by shadows. Through my lashes, I watched as a massive shadow creature crept out of my closet. He was colossal and resembled a minotaur, with horns like a Texas longhorn. When he stepped into the moonlight, I could see that he was covered in fur of my favorite shade of blue, royal blue. As my eyes adjusted to the sight and my heart beat a little faster, I heard another sound coming from under my bed. I held my breath, and tried not to make a peep. I was scared but curious too. My parents said these things didn’t exist, so I shouldn’t be scared right, it had to be my imagination. From under my bed materialized a thin willowy creature in the form of a tree. A dryad, or tree nymph. She was tall and elegant and flamingo pink with bright purple leaves.
(“She is taking a long time with these descriptions!”)
(Flamingo Pink? I’m a brilliant shade of neon pink!”
(No, it’s flamingo pink for sure!”)
The dryad walked right up to the minotaur and slapped him across the face, I was so shocked I laughed! That was when they both noticed me and that I wasn’t sleeping like they had thought. Two pair of piercing unreal ice blue eyes turned towards me, I’m not gonna lie, I did scream then.
(“She certainly did scream! Hahah!”)
(“Hush, I want to hear what come next.”)
(“You were there, you know what comes next, her..”)
(Quiet!)
Seconds later, my light turned on and they had vanished. My mom was standing there with a questioning look on her face. I knew she would ask what was wrong and there was no way she’d believe me if I told her there were monsters in my room. I laughed and told her I dropped my book. Never mind that I didn’t have a book. She rolled her eyes, gave me a hug, told me to get some sleep and clicked off the light closing the door behind her.
I heard them as soon as my mom’s footsteps faded away down the hall. A gruff voice said, “I told you she wasn’t asleep.”
Followed by a dreamy feminine voice saying, “You told me? You were too busy admiring your horns in the moonlight to even notice her!”
“They are a rather impressive set of horns, if I do say so myself,” he shot back at her.
I cleared my throat and addressed the creatures in my room. “Excuse me! Who are you and why are you in my room?”
The gravely voice answered, “Your room? You do realize that this has been our room for the last 150 years, don’t you?”
“How could she know that, Fredrick? She just moved in today,” the silky voice of the dryad replied.
“Oakley, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to give her our names?” Fredrick said in as quiet a voice as he could muster. I wondered why my mom hadn’t come back with all the noise they were making. There must be some sort of magic that conceals their voices from adults. So now I knew the minotaur was Fredrick and the dryad Oakley, it was a start.
“Oakley. Fredrick. It’s nice to meet you, my name is, Regina, but please call me Gina.” I said to my new friends. It’s hard to make friends when you’re an only child homeschooled by the nanny, who spends summers at faraway dig sites.
They were shocked that their appearance and subsequent chatter hadn’t sent me into a fit of hysterics and just stared at me for a few minutes. I began to think I was dreaming with my eyes open and went to turn over when Fredrick walked up to the bed. He bent over and reached his hand out at the same moment as I reached up to him. I guess he wasn’t sure I was real either. His fur was much softer than I had imagined. “She is real!” He exclaimed and stumbled back into Oakley who had also come closer for a better look at me.
“Of course she’s real, you nitwit! We watched them move boxes and furniture in the house all day!” Oakley retorted as she pushed the big guy off her flowing roots.
I had so many questions like how did they come to live there why were they still there and did they really ‘get’ kids who got up in the night? My eyelids were getting droopy and I soon fell asleep.
The warm sun woke me the next morning. I searched my room for Fredrick and Oakley but I couldn’t find a trace. I must have dreamed the whole thing, I thought as I headed down for breakfast before my lessons with Henny.
As we went over math problems, my mind kept wandering back to my dream and I just had to share it with her. Henny is a good listener and she sat watching me relate my dream. I told her it felt SO real but I couldn’t find them in the morning light. I must have made it up. Henny muttered under her breath something about my imagination and maybe she shouldn’t read so many fairytales to me.
After several hours of classwork, I got free time to explore the backyard. There is a mini forest in the back left hand side of the yard, a weeping willow and several oak trees and a few evergreens too. Who could ask for a better back yard?! I took my shoes off and ran through the trees on the sun dappled paths. Following my little run, I sat back against an oak tree for a little break and who should I see but Oakley from the night before. “I know you’re not real, my mind is playing tricks on me,” I said to the air and closed my eyes. I heard some shuffling and cracked my eyelids a fraction. Standing there was Fredrick and Oakley. “I thought monsters had to stay in bedrooms,” I wondered out loud. After all, if they were going to keep appearing I might as well talk to them.
Fredrick stated in his rough voice, “We are not your imagination and we are bound to the property and not the bedroom.”
“We very much enjoy a romp in the woods every once in a while. My roots need the earth, Oakley whispered as she swayed to some imaginary rhythm in her head.
“Why didn’t you try and scare me last night?” I inquired of the pair.
“Oh, we gave that up years ago. Turns out children are much more interesting than we had been led to believe. They find me to be a rather good companion,” Fredrick said matter-of-factly.
Oakley quickly jumped in with, “They most certainly do not find you to be an agreeable companion! It is me the children have always liked.”
“Not so, Tree Nymph!”
“Oh, get over yourself you over grown cow!”
“That was going a bit too far, don’t you think, Oakley?”
That was the way with them, the best of friends but always in competition. We had many years of grand adventures in the woods and in my closet playing dress-up. As the years passed, we no longer played or ran often in the yard, but they continued to be my best friends and always there for me. Now, it is time for me to move on and I’m unwilling to give them up, but my parents are off on a new experience in Egypt, and have put the house up for sale.
(“Why did you have to go and get all emotional?)
(“Wipe your eyes ya big goon.”)
(“But I’m really going to miss her.”)
(“You’re going to miss her? You know I’m her favorite, right?”)
(“You’re just a tree, how can you be anyone’s favorite?”)
I smile as I get up, grab the remaining box and turn to the monsters in my room for the last time and say, “I love you too, hope your next kid is a good one!” I wiped the tear from my eye, got in my mini cooper and headed out for the next chapter of my life.
Monsters
Colleen Holmquist
Monsters under the bed
Monsters in the closet
Monsters in my head
Monsters—oh just pause it!
The room is dark
The air is cold
They’re ready to embark
Oh to be so bold
Some claw and creak
Others glow and groan
Some shuffle and sneak
Others melt and moan
That one’s creepy!
It’s green and gray
Now it’s weepy
And wants to play
First one baits
Second one waits
Third one bumps
Last one jumps
A great big grin
An eye of gold
A double pointed chin
What a sight to behold
Teeth like pickles
Ears that wobble
A nose that tickles
A throat that squabbles
I count sheep
They compete
Without a peep
Every night—repeat
Douglas
By: Aaron Leavitt
Douglas’s father was truly fearsome, a terrifying shade of chartreuse, hair everywhere, long fearsome claws, and a crazy look in his eyes. No closet was safe, no child’s night free from the creaking doors, and pooling drool. A closet monster paragon. Douglas’s mother was as beautiful and wily as monster’s come. Her every move was terrifying to any human doomed to be close enough, light shone on her scales as she moved, and a low mist clung to the ground, showing off the deep, disturbing glow of her eyes as she slunk from beneath the beds she occupied in her role. The two of them should never have been together, their families had never approved, but they’d fiercely clung to one another and they’d made it work.
Douglas was, quite simply, not frightening in the least. He was quite round, and a little pudgy, he never could manage to tromp, or really be imposing in any way. His color didn’t help things, he was nearly precisely the color of pink cotton candy, and he had the hugest most darling blue eyes, with one tiny sparkly horn on top of his head. He’d been to a child’s room just once, and it had not gone well, he’d tried a leap into the room, and mostly had tumbled into the room, and had generated no fear, he’d almost been hugged to death. The gleeful giggles still rang in his ears when he thought about it.
So, here he was at the edge of his favorite lake, his plump little pink toes wiggling at the water’s edge. What do you do as an almost unbearably cute monster? His grandparents had tried to support him, even if the pairs despised one another, but he could always see the misgivings in their eyes. About the time other monsters were beginning to ooze, or generate fog, or other spooky things, Douglas started spontaneously growing flowers. Each step, if he didn’t concentrate, would fill with a beautiful assortment of wildflowers. It made him miserable.
So he was hiding again, trying ever so hard to be fearsome. He’d only manage to make a bunny collapse in laughter so far. Not too promising. In a final desperate attempt he’d tried to be as unhygienic as possible. The result had been a tiny little high pitched toot, followed by the smell of roses, and then to add insult to injury tiny miniature cherubs had appeared and circled his head a few times before vanishing in a puff of little hearts. His parents were going to be so disappointed, he gathered up his things and headed for home, “maybe a nap would help” he thought as he trudged home, maybe tomorrow would be better.
Monsters Under the Bed
By: Cary Holmquist
How do monsters get under your bed? I only noticed they were there at night, after bed time, when I was trying to go to sleep. I grew up with monsters under my bed and they were always a problem. There were two of them. They made mostly giggling noises. Though they were smaller than me, the most annoying habit of these monsters was kicking the bottom of my bed, bumping and banging and keeping me awake. Sometimes I would throw a pillow or toy down at them. Sometimes my parents would have to yell at them and tell them to be quiet and settle down or else.
My monsters even had names. They were Chris and Craig and eventually they would settle down and fall asleep on the bottom bunk bed that they share. This went on every night for years, until just before I started high school when I got a single, stand-alone bed of my own and everyone slept better.
So...how do monsters get under your bed? From my experience, I would say they are born in the family after you...so you inherit them from your parents and they come along with a bunk bed. They are such a brother. I mean bother.
I'm not Much of a Monster
By: Shaylee Barrett
It was a normal day for Sylus, a tall large and rather scary looking monster. Although she looks scary, she is rather sweet and kind. Today she was out to get some groceries for her friend, Orissa. Her friend was a human, and she lived in the human realm.
"Thank you!" She said as she left the market. //now she had to make the journey to the human realm. This was normally pretty straight forward, change into a human Forman go through the portal. But a couple of days before, she had gotten an invisibility cloak from a friend so she was hoping it would work. As she walked through the portal she took a deep breath and--
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" said the distressed town's people. "A MONSTER!!!!WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?"
Sylus was very sad that it didn't work. "I-I SWEAR I'M NICE" the people talked over her.
"STOOOOOOPPPPPPP!" said Orissa.
Everyone was confused, they all turned towards the red haired wizard. "SYLUS IS MY FRIEND. SHE IS FUNNY, KIND AND A GREAT FRIEND. DON'T JUDGE HER BY HER LOOKS," she said confidently.
Sylus smiled, looked at the townspeople, held up the gift she had for Orissa and gave it to her. "I brought some things for your potion making."
"Thank you, Sylus," said Orissa.
"You seem I may look scary, but I promise I wouldn't hurt a fly, Im not much of a monster," Sylus laughed.
After that, Sylus would come to the town every day, and they even built a statue to bring humans and monsters together.
THE END
Monster Story
By: Orissa Leavitt
(Orissa has autism so we can only guess what her story is about! there are a few words she got in. egg, guy, tuft, and hulk)
Monster Training School
By: Megan Barrett
It was day 1 at Monster Training School and all the young monsters showed up for their first day. Excited and nervous to learn the tricks of the trade and to be divided into their specialities. Herbert really really really wanted to be an under the bed monster. He was afraid of enclosed spaces, so being a closet monster was a terrifying thought. Meanwhile, Francis was very much excited about the prospect of being a closet monster. He had practiced closet monster techniques he had seen on monsterweb and was sure he would be the best closet monster of his class.
Well, it came time for them to be separated into their specialities and Herbert's nerves were frayed. He was sick to his stomach with worry about being a closet monster. He held his eyes tightly closed and wished with all his might to be an under the bed monster. Professor Smellysock called his name: Herbert P. Picklejuice, you will be a closet monster. Herbert's heart sank, he nearly passed out. Everyone around him looked at him with concern. Professor Smellysocks continued with the assigning of specialities without even noticing Herbert's reaction to his fate. Soon the Professor got to Francis R. Tickletoes, (Francis hated his last name, it wasn't scary enough to be a monster name), the professor then said under the bed monster. Without thinking first Francis blurted, "I refuse to be an under the bed monster. I was born to be a closet monster." The Professor, who was not used to students being so disrespectful, gave a disapproving clearing of his throat and then said, "Mr. Ticklefeet, here at this institution you will do as you are told. Specialities are given based on the aptitude tests you took upon applying. I assure you we DO NOT make mistakes." Francis, by now, had regained his senses and was feeling quite embarrassed by his outburst and also mad at himself. This was not a good start to his time here and would definitely be a mark on his record. That would make being the best of his class a bit hard, at least as far as disciplinary. After the specialty assignment ceremony was over the students went to their dormitories.
Herbert was not feeling well still, he had somewhat recovered during the ceremony. He had been considering talking with the professor about reassignment, that was until the commotion that was caused by that Tickletoes fellow. After that, he had no doubt that was out of the question. So when Herbert arrived at his dorm to find Tickletoes there, he was not pleased at all. Francis was putting his things away in the closet when Herbert entered the room, he gave a nod to the newcomer and continued with his organizing. Herbert looked at the room. A bunk bed stood in the corner, there was a dresser next to the closet and two desks against the other wall. He wondered if Francis had claimed a bed or not, but was too scared to ask him. Francis looked liked he was not a monster to mess with.
Herbert took a deep breath and was about to introduce himself when Francis turned and said to him, "Well, my name is Francis Tickletoes, but you better never refer to me as Tickletoes or anything remotely like that!"
"Great," Herbert thought. "This guy is not going to be a friendly roommate, and worse he gets to be an under the bed monster and I have to be a closet monster." But out loud he said, "I'm Herbert Picklejuice, you can call me whatever you want."
Francis smirked and asked, "Okay PJ, what is your speciality?"
Herbert swallowed hard, he was afraid to tell Francis he had been given the closet monster speciality, by he had to. So he said, "I was given closet monster, I wanted under the bed. Enclosed spaces scare me."
Francis gaped at Herbert with disgust, "This wimp was given his place in the closet speciality and he had gotten put in under the bed! This had to be some kind of cruel joke. Well," thought Francis, "this will be my new goal here at school, to show them they got it wrong by proving PJ, here should be an under the bed monster and I should be a closet monster."
Herbert could tell that something was going on in Francis' mind. From the look on his face, it spelled trouble for him. This year was already shaping up to be a nightmare and classes hadn't even begun.
The first day of classes was to be a test of the monster's skills. They were to be teamed up with a monster from another speciality, much to Herbert's chagrin he was assigned a room with Francis. The Professor in charge was not Professor Smellysocks, it was a junior Professor who was called: Oldcheese. Professor Oldcheese instructed them to take their positions. They would be given 10 minutes to formulate their plan of scare, then the assessment would begin. Francis, though not keen on being an under the bed monster, still wanted to be the best. So he quickly scuttled under the bed and mentally prepared for his ultimate scare tactic. Herbert however, stood staring at the closed closet door: palms sweaty, heartbeat rising, as well as a taste of bile in his throat. He couldn't do it, there was no way he could bring himself to go in there, so he stood frozen for the entire 10 minutes. When the Professor opened the door and saw Herbert, he went over to ask what was wrong, completely ignoring Francis who had stealthily emerged from under the bed and quietly crept over to the Professor and Herbert. When they were deep and serious conversation, Francis pulled himself up to his full height and scared Herbert so bad, he ran screaming from the room. It was epic, amazing and the best scare of his life. Francis was sure he impressed the Professor. Instead of a congratulations, the Professor gave him detention and scolded him for scaring Herbert.This was the true beginning of the rivalry and hatred between Francis and Herbert, but that is a story for another time.
What is a Shoe to Do?
Daren Flynn
3/27/2021
I am just a shoe.
Just one of a pair.
So what can I do?
And why should I care?
Sitting on a shelf.
Waiting for something.
Sorry for myself,
Here with my sibling.
Now bought from the store.
Taken from the box,
We two and no more,
With a pair of socks.
Worn to a new home
By a fine young lad.
We are sure to roam.
Now we two are glad.
For something to do!
A reason to be!
Taken care of too.
From our box we're free.
Creatures in the Bedroom
By: Myrna Flynn
I had my doubts when my brothers, Todd and Roger, told me I could have Todd's bedroom. Todd said they wanted to have the bedrooms that were next to each other.
I could not believe Todd would give up his bedroom and move into my little cubbyhole. I shrugged mu shoulders, crossed my fingers, grabbed my things and installed myself in my new quarters.
The first night everything was quiet. I woke up thinking, this is great, a bigger room and a more comfortable bed." I was still wondering "why". I was soon to find out.
The next night, I was awakened by yowling, growling, stomping and snarling. I cautiously, peeked out from under my blankets. I saw an enormous monster standing in the closet doorway and felt my bed rising and falling. I eased over to the other side of the bed and peered below. There was a jello-looking mass heaving up and down, glaring out at the monster. I leaped out of bed and ran screaming out of the room.
I scurried down to mom and dad's room, threw open the door and jumped into bed with them. I started babbling about what was happening in my new chambers.
Dad rose out of the covers and headed to Todd and Roger. He figured that whatever was going on, they were probably behind it.
Sure enough, they were controlling holograms of the creatures and laughing their heads off, rolling around on the floor in glee. Dad did not say a word to either one, he turned his back and walked back to me. he said, " Come with me."
He took me to the kitchen, where we got 2 big pans of ice water. He handed one to me and said, "Your target is Todd, mine is Roger."
That was the end of the invaders of my newly acquired superior bedroom. Todd, even though he begged, did not get his old room back. My brothers were sentenced to 2 weeks of dishwashing and keeping my bed made and my toys picked up. Moral of the story is: Do not do anything that might cause Dad to be awakened out of a deep sleep at 2 am.
By: Hokan Holmquist
The whole room felt cringily awkward. It always did at this stage of the night. Though, if I’m being honest, I seemed to be the only one who ever acknowledged that fact. As I clutched my comforter under my chin against the chilly night air, it occurred to me that perhaps the other two presences were a little too self-absorbed to notice it. I rolled my eyes at that thought, since it was completely their fault.
“See there!” Carl, perched on the wardrobe to my right, bounced up and down. It was more of a sloshy sort of bobbing since Carl was more of a bulbous, purple sac than anything else. He really reminded me a water balloon if, instead of water, you filled it with half-melted ice cream, peanuts and a couple packets of grape kool-aid mix, and then stuck about a dozen or so tentacles on in random places along with a tennis ball for an eye. “I told you, I told you, Jeremy! I told you he thought your little act with the blinds was stupid!”
“Brah,” Jeremy was sprawled on top of a pile of unwashed clothes and he almost blended into it. He was bipedal, with four arms just as long and gangly as his two legs. He was such a stick figure of a thing that you could even tell that underneath the voluminous black robe that he wore, embroidered with sharp and devious looking runes, that he had all the substance of a bent paperclip. The whole ensemble gave off a particularly unsettling, demonic lord of corruption vibe that was entirely ruined by the mop of wavy blonde hair that protruded from the top of the robe and completely obscured whatever kind of face he had. He waved one pair of arms lazily as he spoke. “Brah, my use of the classic blind-rattle was radically inspired and clearly our young amiga’s upward eye circle motion was totally in reference to your attempt to shake the bed.”
Jeremy had a point—bed rattling wasn’t very effective when it was accompanied by a symphony of sputtering blurbles like some kind of tar pit soundtrack.
“Now see here,” I think Carl tried to draw himself up in defiance—he did get a little thinner and a little taller and his tentacles waved all over the place. “Bed rattling clearly terrifies the girl—” I resisted the urge to yell at him as he misgendered me…again… “why, didn’t you see how she writhed all about?”
That was actually because I really had to pee, made plain by the fact that shortly thereafter I had gone and done exactly that. Neither Carl nor Jeremy seemed to have noticed though—Jeremy had started guffawing when one of Carl’s burbles went off more like one of those whistling farts. Carl had reacted by throwing a hanger that, despite weighing about as much as cork penny, pinned Jeremy to the ground for several minutes. He was still untangling himself from it when I got back into bed.
“I think that maybe it is time that we inquired the final judgement from our young compadre,” Jeremy’s mop lolled over to one side as he made the vaguest possible gesture in what may have been my general direction. “After all, a youthful turtle such as herself will indubitably render such honest and accurate an assessment as is possible under the circumstances.” Ah, so we were at that stage of things, were we? I sighed and let the covers drop a little.
“Not a turtle, Jeremy, but good try,” I’d given up a long time ago trying to get them to call me a “he.” Jeremy tried a different animal each night—he seemed to know the names of nearly every one there was despite being utterly ignorant of what any of them were or looked like. “Look, guys, honestly, I just wasn’t all that scared tonight. Good efforts from both of you but it just didn’t do it for me, ya know?” If the atmosphere before had been awkward, it was only worse after I said that. It kinda felt like stumbling through a door in a clown costume only to find out you’re at some young parent’s funeral.
Carl gaped, his little mouth all circle shaped and toothless, and…well, Jeremy didn’t really do anything new but I could still feel whatever his equivalent of a open-mouthed stare was. I snuck a glance at my bedside clock—0232… It could be worse, I guess. As I turned back, Carl was wringing his tentacles together in about three separate sets. It was pretty revolting to watch.
“Surely, m’girl, you’re just putting on a good ol’ show of bravado. I was spot-on, positively the soul of scream tonight!”
“Were you, Carl? Were you really the ‘soul’ of ‘scream’,” I made air quotes as I said it. “You were better three weeks ago when you ate Lucy’s hamster by accident.” Jeremy guffawed again—it had been pretty terrifying when the poor little rodent had screamed out of nowhere. Then Carl, who had been snoring, started choking and that had been hilarious. It resembled nothing so much as the results of the Northwest Lumberjack and Plumber’s Annual Bean eating contest. He actually rocked a few shingles off the roof.
“Well, ‘that’ was just so ‘incredibly’ rude, little ‘girl’! I’ll ‘have’ you know that was entirely ‘intentional’, just a ‘slight’ miscarriage at the ‘end’!” Carl really had no idea how to use air quotes and it didn’t help that he only used two tentacles for it. He had to do the front set of quotes and then rock to the side to do the second one. The effect was actually a bit soporific and I almost fell back asleep right there.
Jeremy forestalled that sweet release as he stood up, giving me a momentary thrill of fear as his robes billowed. Then he stretched, yawned and raised his hands above his head, sleeves falling down to his skinny elbows. The watches covering his skin—all variations of Hello Kitty, Minions and the like—completely ruined the previous effect and I sank back into my bed. I’d really hoped to skip this part of things tonight.
“Youthful and tiny elephant, I feel that it is incumbent upon me on this fine evening to discuss with you the importance of facing each situation with the utmost honesty and sincerity that lies within your tiny, fragile soul,” he wafted about in loping steps as he spoke, but it just made the whole thing more ridiculous as he could only take two steps before having to turn around, “and from there to then accurately communicate the level of your feeling, which in this case must surely be the most abject of terror that ever before has a—"
“Abject terror, Jeremy?” I threw my own hands up. I wasn’t going to listen to this tonight. “The only thing I was afraid of tonight was tripping over one of those pipecleaners you call legs on my way to the bathroom. It’s kinda hard to be seriously afraid of something you can vanquish with a clothes hanger. And I’m not an elephant either.” Jeremy froze mid stride—it was actually kind of impressive, one foot still in the air and his arms like a frozen windmill. His ridiculous head rotated towards me.
“Now, guys, I just want to go to sleep, so I’m going to give you a few tips, okay? Carl, you gotta lose the sound effects. Flatulence is never scary, ever. And you, Jeremy…just don’t talk…and find a hood or something. Do those things, guys, and we might actually get somewhere.” There was another spurt of awkward silence before Carl raised a tentative tentacle. “Yes, Carl?”
“Eh, Ma’am,” Really, Carl? “What’s, erm…flit-u-mancy?”
“Flatulence, Carl. I’m pretty sure I lost Dad’s dictionary under the bed, so just look it up.” Carl bobbed in something approximating a nod. I turned to the other monster in my room. “How about you, Jeremy? Any questions?”
Jeremy stooped back to the pile he’d been lying on earlier and grabbed a set of black shorts. He draped it on his head and threw his arms out. The legs of the shorts went in opposite directions like a jester’s cap. “Does this complete your image of complete and utter dread, diminutive dolphin?” I pinched the bridge of my nose and took a breath.
“You know what, Jeremy? It really does. Just grow some horns and you’ll be fear incarnate.” I looked from one to the other. “Well, guys, are we done here? Can I go back to sleep?” Neither answered, so I laid back down and pulled the covers over my head. As I tried to calm down enough to sleep, their voices seeped through my comforter’s supposed protection.
“I say, good fellow, you’re right terrifying. I think you shall be the talk of the workshop tomorrow, wot wot.”
“Brah, thank you. You should really try and go for hissing and boiling, like the wilde-shark-beast said. Lois was saying the other night that she’s always found you attractive and you must be aware how she sighs over the stove and pots. You would totally steal her heart if—” I shoved my face into my pillow and screamed in frustration.
Silence followed for several seconds…and I was just about to drift off before—
“Good show, fellow, we’ve finally got her.”
“Yeah, dude, that carpenter ant was totally terrified.”
“Hah, simply bravado, what she said about fork and cans or whatever it was!”
“Tcha, she’s totally a wimp, trying so hard to pretend that we don’t scare her.”
I groaned. This was going to be a long, long night.
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